My current dilemma is tangled up in several of the aformentioned criteria. I have stopped being a student for the first time since preschool, I am therefore having a difficult time trying to continue expanding my knowledge on my own. I'm feeling as if I will become stagnant because I am no longer stuffing my brain full of literature and lectures on a daily basis. I am unemployed. I am in a new city, one that I find thoroughly overwhelming, I feel rootless and purposeless. I haven't found a way to use the degree I just earned and instead sit around and play housewife (which I mostly hate). Although I know it is untrue I feel that every job I apply for and don't get is somehow a rejection of the whole me, instead of just my skills or experiences (is there a difference?). My friends are all far away being friends with each other and doing fun friend things. I feel lonely and out of touch with any social scene. I feel like every new person I meet can tell that I don't really belong here and that I don't actually want to be here at all. This lonliness has in turn, fueled my cookie-baking/eating habits which is making it really difficult to lose the 10lbs that I've gained since our wedding. Of course I don't think I'm totally fat or anything, but I feel too fat for me and I don't like it at all. I then feel guilty and mad every time I eat cookies or cake when ideally those things should comfort me! Ugh.
This whole post seems whiny and lame but it's how I've been feeling for a month. People keep telling me to just put myself out there and to volunteer until I find a job, but I don't really feel like it. Having low self-esteem has put me in an over-all grumpy disposition to the point of not really wanting to do anything. It feels like I've hit a road block and can't move on. It's possible that I am rejecting and pushing away every new thing here in Seattle because I'm afraid of being wounded or abandoned by something. I haven't quite figured myself out yet. I feel a bit like an animal that has been faced with things it's afraid of and has backed itself into a corner, instead of embracing the fears in front of me I attack them without really assessing whether or not they are actually bad. Whine whine whine, I need to get over it.
Well here is a thought you can reject if you like. Why not kill two birds with one stone (DEATH TO BIRDS! DEATH TO BIRDS!) and find some sort of exercise group you could join? Around here there are running stores that have running groups that meet once a week for all skill levels. Or you could join an amateur league of something. Ask in RS if any of the ladies go walking, or announce that you'd like to form a "special RS group" that does that. I have found that it is a lot easier for me to exercise regularly when it is also the sociable fun part of my day.
ReplyDeleteAlso, we are not having fun without you. Practically no fun is being had at all, and most of it is happening alone. Well, I am having fun with Chris, but I think you meant more broadly.
You are not forgotten. I will call you either tonight or tomorrow.
Is there a craft center? Can you volunteer doing something?
Or, if all you wanted was sympathy, not advice, I will say "I am sorry things suck. I understand how that feels. You can do this, and you will be able to mine this experience for Sacrament Meeting talks and lessons for years."
I completely understand. Everything you wrote I can honestly relate to 100%. New city, no real friends around, no job, feeling discouraged about weight...etc. I wish I had advice to give - for both of us. I guess all we can do is try and stay optimistic (I find I sometimes I have to take the motto "fake it till you make it" to heart). We will be okay. :) Love and miss you.
ReplyDeleteMhana, I'm glad you are around to say the right things. Whenever I get in these moods Ricky tries desperately to say things to either cheer me up or fix my situation but all they do is make me mad. You, on the other hand, seem to either have a better understanding of how I'm feeling, or an uncanny knack for saying the right things. I would totally be up for going walking with RS ladies, assuming they are the friendly, non-judgy type. I should pluck up the courage and ask someone. Meanwhile I am starting to do centergy, which is a really fun type of workout I can do at home that is like a workout a dancer would do, I can explain later, but it's really fun.
ReplyDeleteAlthough I would be jealous, I would rather you be having fun than none of us having fun. We'll have to discuss that.
I went on the UW website searching for a craft center a couple weeks ago but had no luck. Ricky said he was going to look around on campus but hasn't done it yet.
Well, I hope it is years until I get asked to talk in sacrament meeting because I don't have very much nice to say.
Elise, I know you are going through this too, it sucks! Doesn't it get super cold in Colorado too? Gross. A few years down the line we'll have jobs, houses, and babies and we'll look back on this time and smile, the hard part is smiling NOW. Maybe you need to take a little vacation sometime and visit the coast, then we can wallow in our sorrows together. :)
Oh no, I didn't mean you should mine it for a talk RIGHT NOW. That would probably come out very poorly "I hate your city and I am alone and sad and grouchy. Want to hang out with me?" But years from now you can look back and say in a pompous tone how you suffered as a young married but it made you stronger and you cherish those times.
ReplyDeleteI find it is a lot easier to cherish hard things in retrospect. The whole time I was in France I kept thinking "I can't wait until this becomes a good memory that I feel nostalgic about, instead of lonely and terrifying" I had just started to feel nostalgic and now I have to go back. Poot.
Several things--
ReplyDelete#1
One thing I regret is not saving the rejection letters I received. It would have been fun to look at them now. Even though I don't feel I've "made it" in any sense of the phrase, I actually feel like I'm happier and better off without those jobs. There's something strong about owning your failure.
You also have to put it into perspective--you graduated at one of the shittiest times to graduate in memory. It's not your fault. You did everything right. I know exactly how hard it is to get those letters, but believe me. They're not rejecting you, they're probably not even rejecting your skills. They're accepting only one person. And that person probably has an "in." You're awesome just for putting yourself out there.
The employers I work with (who didn't hire me because I'm too shitless to do this) say that the people they hired practically nagged them for the job. They were persistent and always showing up and always checking in. Every week they would see these people. Every week they found an excuse to stop by and ask for advice or help or be on that employer's mind. I'm not saying it will work for all companies, but sometimes demonstrating that you want it more than someone else helps. If you have the vaginal fortitude to do that, do it.
Thing number 2:
Last week at church I pretended I was outgoing and social and I invited some people over for dessert---because baking seemed like a lot less pressure than a full dinner. Anyway, we had so much fun with this couple that they ended up staying until 11:00 ON A SCHOOL NIGHT!
I feel exactly like you most of the time--I feel like everyone I meet can tell I don't belong. I'm not a normal Mormon, I'm not quite confident in my work yet, I don't have an "in" with school friends, and I get easily anxious about social situations. I also fear rejection. Nevertheless, I listened to my intuition about that couple and they turned out to be cool. And also really, really lonely, as it turns out. We're mad we didn't do this a year ago.
Thing #3-
When you're in a moving funk--and I've been there--it's hard. Seriously hard. But something to remember, and the cool thing about it is that you have NOTHING TO LOSE. NOTHING. NOTHING AT ALL. You have no Seattle friends, so you can't LOSE friends when you ask people to hang out or be your fun loving/awesome cooking/seriously silly self. You have no job right now, so you can not be WORSE off for applying and putting yourself out there and being aggressive and asking for exactly what you want.
It's so hard to remember, but I wish someone had given me this pep talk and maybe it wouldn't have taken me over a year. But damn it, I have nothing to lose most of the time.
Do what mhana says and join some group--volunteer somewhere and you will get friends or connections or at the very worst, you will have done something nice for someone or exercised. I love the idea of just up and announcing that you're starting some RS activity group. Why didn't I do that when I wanted a book club? I didn't I just whined that I didn't have a book club.
Feminist Mormon Housewives is having a Seattle snacker soon. I'm sure you'll find some cool people there. You should try to go if you can.
Okay, end pep talk. You can DO IT!
Motion, I really appreciate your thought-out and heart-felt comment, thanks. There is a lot in there that I would love to talk to you about and fortunately we can do that tomorrow in person!
ReplyDeleteHere's to throwing ourselves out there!