Brain Rot (fall 2011)

This week has been a pretty big struggle for me. Nothing particularly terrible happened, in that respect things have been quite normal but I've been experiencing internal turmoil like nobody's business. I'm feeling really down and out. Despite my persistence at excercise and eating healthily this past couple of weeks, I can't help feeling like I'm slipping into a bit of a pit that I can't climb out of. I feel like I have one hand on the brim of a big black hole with no footholds to be found.

This past September was the first since I was five during which I did not start another year of school. Instead I watched my husband start graduate school while I tried to find a job. At first I was a bit relieved to have a break and to have the freedom to do what I wanted. The novelty of that wore off in about two weeks.

I feel like my brain is starting to rot. I change my mind, I don't want to grow up and get a real job, I want to go back to school! I always knew that I wanted to go back to school but I had thought I'd be fine waiting until Ricky finished. WRONG. I'm not fine. I think I would be okay if I was doing a job where I could use the knowledge and skills I learned in school; that would feel good. When I did my internship with WREN last year I learned a ton, so I know I could learn in a good job as well. Unfortunately good jobs in my field are hard to come by these days (all jobs are hard to come by, obviously). Since I'm not using the things I've learned to retain my knowledge or gaining new knowledge I am really frightened that I'm going to be completely dumb in a few more months and that my whole education will have been a waste. Part of my brain knows this isn't true but it isn't quite strong enough to quell the scaredy part. I might consider finding a year-long masters program up here for next year if I can't find a useful job pretty soon. I don't really know what to do, it's hard to decide with my brain rotting away like the pumpkins on my porch.

I decided to let out a little bit of anxiety and frustration by making a delicous autumn-inspired meal last night. After we ran our errands for the day I took up residence in the kitchen and made an awesome chili, fluffy corn, buttermilk, and chive popovers, followed by apple-cider doughnuts. I was really proud of myself for making such delicious doughnuts on my first try--now I don't have to wait until next year to go to Baumman Farms pumpkin patch to get them.

Luckily I have a husband who will stop at nothing to cheer me up, not even dancing to silly songs with me in the kitchen. Oh, and my Ducks just beat Stanford, heck yes.