Obey

Obedience.

This is the word that I have been thinking about a lot lately. I haven't been thinking about it in particular relation to any one thing (religion, parents, etc.), just thinking about it generally. I came to the conclusion a week or two ago that I have never truly been obedient for obedience' sake. Never. I can't even think of one time. This conclusion really startled me for some reason; I started asking myself if I was a heathen child or if there was something wrong with me.

When I was a small child I remember being sent to take naps. Naps! In the middle of the day! I could never see the point in nap taking and, being the stubborn child that I was, screamed at the top of my lungs and threw horrible tantrums in my room until I eventually tired myself out and went to sleep. I didn't like to eat veggies either. Again, I cried, moaned, whined and either my parents grew tired of hearing me and let me off or I ate my peas not to be obedient, but so I could leave the table and avoid being sent to my room.

As a teenager the story was pretty much the same. I made a lot of really good decisions. These decisions just so happened to go along with whatever the rules and guidelines that were set out for me were, so avoided a lot of trouble. It may appear as if I was obedient in a lot of areas but I was actually just reasonable and smart (not trying to sound braggy). The point is, I don't make choices based on whatever I am or am not supposed to do or because someone told me to do it (be it Jesus, the president, my mom, my husband, or my dog). I'm not saying that I don't take the advice of others into account, I certainly do. I like to look at all of my options, weigh the consequences of each, and then decide what the best choice for me is.

I guess that I must value my ability to choose for myself very highly. I know that among my many choices I can choose to be obedient, but I just never do, that usually isn't even an option that crosses my mind. This is how I see it, if I just do something because someone told me to do it I run into a few problems:

1) Responsibility for the action gets muddy. If I am obedient and do something that has consequences that I don't like, whose fault is it? Can I be blamed? Does whether or not I am at fault have any bearing on my feelings about the outcome? I don't think so. I think that obedience is sometimes used as an means to relinquish responsibility for making hard calls or being to blame.

2) I think that obedience makes people dumb. If we all go around being obedient how will we ever really learn anything? Can anyone really argue that lessons we learn from others are as impactful as those we learn for ourselves? How do we know when to stop being obedient and when to think for ourselves? Obedience in excess can definitely lead to nasty outcomes.

I know that it could be argued that obedience is good in moderation but it is really hard for me to even think about making my brain consider that. Here is my dilemma, (it always comes back to the core beliefs doesn't it?) God gave us free agency and also gave us commandments that He wants us to obey. I know that being obedient shows faith in the Lord but does making the right choices because I choose them instead of because He told me to count for less? I just can't get on board with that. I like to think that my ability to consider all options and then choose the right should be worth more than a bit of blind obedience. I also know that God gives us commandments both because He wants us to be happy (making good choices will lead to our happiness) and because He wants to test our faith. I do make good choices (usually), I am happy, and I am fairly faithful in most departments. Plus, He knows the faith that is in my heart regardless of what I'm actually doing, doesn't He? I think that my choosing my own path is a good challenge and I think it helps me to grow, learn, and discover more about my individual spirit.

I'm not saying that people that make choices based on obedience are bad or wrong, and I'm definitely not saying "look at me, I make all the right decisions on my own!" I am just realizing that, for whatever it's worth, I am not obedient. After weeks of ponderings about this, I have decided that I like this aspect of myself the way it is and I don't think I'll change it in the near future. Maybe when I have kids I'll change my mind or I'll mature more later in life; we'll see.

Regardless, my opinion that we are all different has been affirmed through this process. We all think in different ways, experience life differently, and have different learning styles. In the end I say "whatever works."