Hoop Jumping

I've let my brain follow a new line of thought this week without trying to interrupt it. When I finally reached a conclusion to this particular thought process I wasn't quite sure what to think of it; it's big, complex, and one of those questions that only spurs more questions without answers. I am going to try to relay this chain of thought now so I'm sorry if it is a little bit confusing.

Warning: this line of thought includes broad generalizations and assumptions.

I've been thinking about the purpose of religion. I find religion to be a powerful and good influence in my life on many levels. I also think that religion has a lot of positive things to offer on a community and even global scale. I won't go into these things now because that isn't really my point, it will suffice to say that religiousity + me = friends. Lately though, I can't help but feel that religion (all kinds, not only mine and not excluding mine) can feel a bit contrived.

For most of Christianity the main goal of a Christian lifestyle seems to be being as Christ-like as is possible in order to return to Heavenly Father after we die. I am completely on board with this goal, in fact I think I am so on board with this goal that I feel a bit suffocated by any additional rules and regulations. To be like Christ or to be a good person is a goal that to many seems both ambiguous and unattainable. This is understandable because those are very big and broad goals. It's a proven fact that people do better at reaching their goals if they set small, realistic goals instead. I'm getting to my point here soon, I promise. I feel sometimes that by following all of the "do this" or "don't do that" guidelines of my religion in particular, I get bogged down and lose sight of the big picture of just being like Christ. I also feel that religions as a whole get preoccupied with whether or not they are jumping through the appropriate hoops because it is easier than coming to terms with the fact that it is really hard to be like Christ. There, I said it.

What does this mean for me?
I really want to let go of some of the little things that I don't feel matter very much. I'm not trying to say that all of the guidelines set in place aren't good or won't help me to be more Christ-like in some ways, sure they will. I'm just saying that my priorities are about how I treat other people and my overall faithfulness and humbleness. I want to be an active force acting like Christ out in the world, not sequestered in my faith-based community being like everyone else there. I want to focus on charity which is the pure love of Christ, that is what really matters.

Please excuse any rambling or non-sensicalness that just occured as I tried to put a thought into words. I wish I had a pensieve like Dumbledor's!

Brain Rot (fall 2011)

This week has been a pretty big struggle for me. Nothing particularly terrible happened, in that respect things have been quite normal but I've been experiencing internal turmoil like nobody's business. I'm feeling really down and out. Despite my persistence at excercise and eating healthily this past couple of weeks, I can't help feeling like I'm slipping into a bit of a pit that I can't climb out of. I feel like I have one hand on the brim of a big black hole with no footholds to be found.

This past September was the first since I was five during which I did not start another year of school. Instead I watched my husband start graduate school while I tried to find a job. At first I was a bit relieved to have a break and to have the freedom to do what I wanted. The novelty of that wore off in about two weeks.

I feel like my brain is starting to rot. I change my mind, I don't want to grow up and get a real job, I want to go back to school! I always knew that I wanted to go back to school but I had thought I'd be fine waiting until Ricky finished. WRONG. I'm not fine. I think I would be okay if I was doing a job where I could use the knowledge and skills I learned in school; that would feel good. When I did my internship with WREN last year I learned a ton, so I know I could learn in a good job as well. Unfortunately good jobs in my field are hard to come by these days (all jobs are hard to come by, obviously). Since I'm not using the things I've learned to retain my knowledge or gaining new knowledge I am really frightened that I'm going to be completely dumb in a few more months and that my whole education will have been a waste. Part of my brain knows this isn't true but it isn't quite strong enough to quell the scaredy part. I might consider finding a year-long masters program up here for next year if I can't find a useful job pretty soon. I don't really know what to do, it's hard to decide with my brain rotting away like the pumpkins on my porch.

I decided to let out a little bit of anxiety and frustration by making a delicous autumn-inspired meal last night. After we ran our errands for the day I took up residence in the kitchen and made an awesome chili, fluffy corn, buttermilk, and chive popovers, followed by apple-cider doughnuts. I was really proud of myself for making such delicious doughnuts on my first try--now I don't have to wait until next year to go to Baumman Farms pumpkin patch to get them.

Luckily I have a husband who will stop at nothing to cheer me up, not even dancing to silly songs with me in the kitchen. Oh, and my Ducks just beat Stanford, heck yes.