These are two things that have been on my mind. I see tradition and ceremony as closely related; I think that sometimes they can coincide but they are not mutually exclusive. When I say "ceremony" in this context I am not referring to weddings or religious events, rather the idea of rituals performed in important or sacred ways. I believe that ceremonies can be small things that we do in our lives on other days besides holidays. In my mind ceremonies indicate the intent with which an action is performed, not just the action itself.
Every culture, religion and family has its own traditions, some of which are done ceremoniously. As I grow and learn, I find myself creating both ceremonies, traditions and ceremonious traditions as part of my life. For example, I often walk through the woods alone, silently. As I walk I look up and simultaneously communicate with both God and birds. As I walk I thank the Lord for the beauty that surrounds me and I tell the birds that I am there, I am there friend, I respect them and wish to see them. Not a word escapes my lips during this time, instead I feel that I radiate these thoughts and feelings outwardly through my heart and mind. Like when you think something so strongly and loudly that you're sure someone else must have heard.
I also consider our future family and the traditions we may develop. There are traditions from both Ricky and my childhoods that we will keep, but there are others that we talk about adding to our lives as well. We usually recieved new pajamas Christmas eve that we wore that night, this is a tradition I love and will keep for my children. I feel like traditions help unite families, regardless of whether or not the tradition is a religious one.
I tend to be an extremely romantic person in that I romanticize events, words, art, everything I come in contact with really. I am drawn toward what is beautiful, what is sublime, what fills me to the brim with emotion--I am filled readily. Tonight we watched the opening ceremony of the 30th Olympic games in London (as I hope most of you did as well). The Olympics are an event that I look forward to every two years and the opening ceremony is my most favorite part. I love the lights, music, dancing, amazing effects and dazzling performances, but most of all I love the (romanticized) sense that while the games go on there is a halt to war and a feeling of peace and unity throughout the world. I know it isn't true, but I still feel encouraged that the games (Olympics, not Hunger) go on and that citizens from almost every country participate and work together. Despite the lengthiness of the whole event and the often irritating commentary by NBC, I watch from start to finish. Even when I am tempted to tune out during the Parade of Nations I don't because I feel like my attention is a salute to those small but no less important nations.
Tonight's opening ceremony did not disappoint. I'll tell you my favorite parts. Obviously, I loved the bit with the queen and James Bond. I love the queen, she's so cute and old! I adored the opening during the agrarian section with the children singing Oh Danny Boy and other songs--I was teary. I loved the bit with J.K. Rowling because she is one of my heroes and it was awesome that voldemort was there. The bit with all the floating Mary Poppins' with their umbrellas was lovely too. Rowin Atkinson couldn't have been funnier in his part with the LSO. I liked the part with the bicycle doves as they rode around the outside, wings flapping. I enjoyed the symbolism used throughout the ceremony and found myself laughing or in (happy) tears on more than one occasion. Hey Jude with Sir Paul McCartney at the end was very unifying--he's still awesome even though he's getting old. Oh, and I think Denmark had the best outfits.
Overall I thought the ceremony was beautiful and well done. I may still have enjoyed Vancouver 2010 a bit more, but I think the added humor in tonight's ceremony was a great change of pace.
One tradition that our family will certainly keep is to watch the Olympic opening ceremony together every year. The kids will stay up and watch until they fall asleep and Ricky and I will watch until the end, feeling that connection that spans accross the world, or at least accross my heartstrings.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Sunday, July 22, 2012
TTW: When Women Were Birds
The moment I purchased my copy of When Women Were Birds I knew that Terry Tempest Williams would not disappoint me. The dust jacket is pure white with birds imprinted into it, you can feel them but barely see them. Beneath the dust jacket the book is light grey. The color of an eggshell or a sun-warmed stone. Inside the front and back cover the pages are filled with black and white feathers and in the middle of the edge of every right-hand page is a tiny silhouetted bird in flight. Thumbing through the pages quickly is like a flip book showing the bird flapping its wings up and down. The aesthetics of the book alone held my interest for days before I began to read.
TTW is my favorite author. She is an LDS woman, a feminist, an environmentalist. She writes with passion and conviction. She tells stories that are true. Her writing engages my spirit. I was priveleged enough to here her speak two years ago at the UO after releasing her previous book Finding Beauty in a Broken World. As I sat in the audience I tried to absorb her every word into my mind and lock it there. I was willing her to know that I was there and I too am an LDS woman that doesn't fit the mold. She reminds me that I am not alone and that I am not crazy. Although I have not made and do not plan on making all of the same choices that she has, she validates me with her words. She expresses what I feel more eloquently than I can. She is an advocate for having a personal religion, a doctrine that you and only you abide by and so do I.
Her new book is a personal expression about women, their likeness to birds, their trials, their choices. She discusses life and death in a way that makes them both seem beautiful. I love that much of what she reveals causes me to reflect on my own choices and feelings as a woman, as an LDS woman, as an activist and as a writer. I could never write a book review that could do this book justice or that could convey the power and depth of TTW's writing. Regardless, I encourage you to read it.
Here are just a sampling of the passages that really struck a chord with me:
"If there ever was a story without a shadow, it would be this: that we as women exist in direct sunlight only. When women were birds, we knew otherwise. We knew our greatest freedom was in taking flight at night, when we could steal the heavenly darkness for ourselves, navigating through the intelligence of stars and the constellations of our own making in the delight and terror of our uncertainty." (17-18)
"When silence is a choice, it is an unnerving presence. When silence is imposed, it is censorship." (25)
"Conversation is the vehicle for change. We test our ideas. We hear our own voice in concert with another. And inside of those pauses of listening, we approach new territories of thought. A good argument, call it a discussion, frees us. Words fly out of our mouths like threatened birds. Once released they may never return. If they do, they have chosen a home and the bird-words are calmed into an ars poetica." (49)
"When I proclaimed my history and my sovereignty at the same time, standing behind the pulpit in front of my religious community, even then I knew I was breaking taboo. I couldn't have said exactly why, but I knew enough to know that we were expected to follow an unbreakable pattern through time even though our Mormon history was brief." (55)
"For far too long we have been seduced into walking a path that did not lead us to ourselves. For far too long we have said yes when we wanted to say no. And for far too long we have said no when we deperately wanted to say yes." (114)
I like to think I am descended from birds. I have always yearned to fly and I know that I will someday.
TTW is my favorite author. She is an LDS woman, a feminist, an environmentalist. She writes with passion and conviction. She tells stories that are true. Her writing engages my spirit. I was priveleged enough to here her speak two years ago at the UO after releasing her previous book Finding Beauty in a Broken World. As I sat in the audience I tried to absorb her every word into my mind and lock it there. I was willing her to know that I was there and I too am an LDS woman that doesn't fit the mold. She reminds me that I am not alone and that I am not crazy. Although I have not made and do not plan on making all of the same choices that she has, she validates me with her words. She expresses what I feel more eloquently than I can. She is an advocate for having a personal religion, a doctrine that you and only you abide by and so do I.
Her new book is a personal expression about women, their likeness to birds, their trials, their choices. She discusses life and death in a way that makes them both seem beautiful. I love that much of what she reveals causes me to reflect on my own choices and feelings as a woman, as an LDS woman, as an activist and as a writer. I could never write a book review that could do this book justice or that could convey the power and depth of TTW's writing. Regardless, I encourage you to read it.
Here are just a sampling of the passages that really struck a chord with me:
"If there ever was a story without a shadow, it would be this: that we as women exist in direct sunlight only. When women were birds, we knew otherwise. We knew our greatest freedom was in taking flight at night, when we could steal the heavenly darkness for ourselves, navigating through the intelligence of stars and the constellations of our own making in the delight and terror of our uncertainty." (17-18)
"When silence is a choice, it is an unnerving presence. When silence is imposed, it is censorship." (25)
"Conversation is the vehicle for change. We test our ideas. We hear our own voice in concert with another. And inside of those pauses of listening, we approach new territories of thought. A good argument, call it a discussion, frees us. Words fly out of our mouths like threatened birds. Once released they may never return. If they do, they have chosen a home and the bird-words are calmed into an ars poetica." (49)
"When I proclaimed my history and my sovereignty at the same time, standing behind the pulpit in front of my religious community, even then I knew I was breaking taboo. I couldn't have said exactly why, but I knew enough to know that we were expected to follow an unbreakable pattern through time even though our Mormon history was brief." (55)
"For far too long we have been seduced into walking a path that did not lead us to ourselves. For far too long we have said yes when we wanted to say no. And for far too long we have said no when we deperately wanted to say yes." (114)
I like to think I am descended from birds. I have always yearned to fly and I know that I will someday.
How to Feed an Octopus
Sundays for me are mainly spent at the Seattle Aquarium. Since I work full time during the week I didn't have many options as to which shift to sign up for. Since we moved to Seattle church hasn't been super fulfilling so I do volunteer service during that time instead. I absolutely love being at the aquarium. I love volunteering on behlaf of some of the most voiceless, unseen, but important creatures on Earth. Today I got to feed the Octopus.
We have two fairly new Giant Pacific Octopuses (yes, it is octopuses, if you don't believe me click here) at the aquarium, a male, Rain and a female, Squirt. I got to feed Squirt. Both octopuses are in separate tall, open-topped, glass cylinders. My supervisor presented the "Octopus Talk" on a microphone while I climbed up the ladder, threaded a dead herring onto a thin metal pole and tried to get Squirt to eat. There were probably about 50 people watching and waiting to catch a glimpse of the then hidden octopus, so the pressure was on. I was high enough to look down into the glass cylinder and tried to coax her out of her den with the juice from the herring. I put the herring into the water with the stick and waved it around for several minutes. Just when I was about to give up on her and take it out, one skinny be-suctioned arm crept out of the space between the rocks.
Before I knew it Squirt had completely emerged from her den and had grabbed on to my stick with at least 4 arms. As per my training, I didn't tug back but held firm. It took her a good 3-4 minutes to pull the herring off, but then she just wanted to play with my feeding stick. She wrapped one of her arms so far up that it came out of the water and was only inches from my hand. Again, like I had been trained to do, I gently twisted the feeding stick and she eventually let go so I could pull it out of the water. It was a really awesome few minutes, made even better by the audience ooohing and aaaaaahing when she finally showed herself. How many of my friends can say that they've fed a Gaint Pacific Octopus? I don't think any. I feel special.
We have two fairly new Giant Pacific Octopuses (yes, it is octopuses, if you don't believe me click here) at the aquarium, a male, Rain and a female, Squirt. I got to feed Squirt. Both octopuses are in separate tall, open-topped, glass cylinders. My supervisor presented the "Octopus Talk" on a microphone while I climbed up the ladder, threaded a dead herring onto a thin metal pole and tried to get Squirt to eat. There were probably about 50 people watching and waiting to catch a glimpse of the then hidden octopus, so the pressure was on. I was high enough to look down into the glass cylinder and tried to coax her out of her den with the juice from the herring. I put the herring into the water with the stick and waved it around for several minutes. Just when I was about to give up on her and take it out, one skinny be-suctioned arm crept out of the space between the rocks.
Before I knew it Squirt had completely emerged from her den and had grabbed on to my stick with at least 4 arms. As per my training, I didn't tug back but held firm. It took her a good 3-4 minutes to pull the herring off, but then she just wanted to play with my feeding stick. She wrapped one of her arms so far up that it came out of the water and was only inches from my hand. Again, like I had been trained to do, I gently twisted the feeding stick and she eventually let go so I could pull it out of the water. It was a really awesome few minutes, made even better by the audience ooohing and aaaaaahing when she finally showed herself. How many of my friends can say that they've fed a Gaint Pacific Octopus? I don't think any. I feel special.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
A Day in the Life: Beach Day
In case you forgot or are just tuning in, I work for Seattle Parks and Recreation, helping lead a nature day camp at an enormous local park. Today was beach day. I wrote the curriculum for beach day, so I obviously already adore it.
I had my kids (I call my campers each week "my kids") wearing velcro belts, pretending to be whales, and running around and finding the correct color of barnacles to stick onto themselves. They learned about symbiosis.
They went through a series of photos to decided if some of our intertidal friends were plants or animals. I'm tired of adults coming into the aquarium and thinking that sea anemones are plants.
We donned the roles of various marine animals, made food web, watched it fall apart due to an "oil spill," "cleaned up the beach" and rebuilt our web--we are all connected.
We played the parts of sea stars in the intertidal zone and figured out that life on the edge is a difficult one.
We did a silent handshake hike which allowed each camper to hike silently and alone through the forest on the way to the beach. They saw vistas and thickets. They said they felt at peace.
We built a fort out of driftwood, teamwork.
We explored the tidepools and found crabs of all shells and sizes, sea stars, isopods, and anemones.
We watched a Great Blue Heron hunt.
We rolled up our jeans and waded out into the Sound. We splashed and played and looked for jellyfish. We bonded as a team.
As I sat on a log toward the end of the day and watched my kids tread softly through the tidepools, turning over rocks and looking for crabs, I nearly wept. Despite some of the troubles this job has given me, my job is just about as rewarding as they come. I am so grateful that I get to go outside each day and teach kids in my community about nature. I get to teach them plant identification and animal adaptations, but most importantly I get them to make connections. They are out there building relationships with their local plant and animal communities and tightening the tether that binds them to their fragile curiousity and wonderment.
I know that my job matters. It counts regardless of whether or not other people find it worthwhile. It counts to me, and I know it counts to the Lord. I know that among my greatest calllings while here on Earth is the call to bring His people to the earth and help them connect with Mother Nature. It feels wonderful to know I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Now that you've read this, please, go outside!
I had my kids (I call my campers each week "my kids") wearing velcro belts, pretending to be whales, and running around and finding the correct color of barnacles to stick onto themselves. They learned about symbiosis.
They went through a series of photos to decided if some of our intertidal friends were plants or animals. I'm tired of adults coming into the aquarium and thinking that sea anemones are plants.
We donned the roles of various marine animals, made food web, watched it fall apart due to an "oil spill," "cleaned up the beach" and rebuilt our web--we are all connected.
We played the parts of sea stars in the intertidal zone and figured out that life on the edge is a difficult one.
We did a silent handshake hike which allowed each camper to hike silently and alone through the forest on the way to the beach. They saw vistas and thickets. They said they felt at peace.
We built a fort out of driftwood, teamwork.
We explored the tidepools and found crabs of all shells and sizes, sea stars, isopods, and anemones.
We watched a Great Blue Heron hunt.
We rolled up our jeans and waded out into the Sound. We splashed and played and looked for jellyfish. We bonded as a team.
As I sat on a log toward the end of the day and watched my kids tread softly through the tidepools, turning over rocks and looking for crabs, I nearly wept. Despite some of the troubles this job has given me, my job is just about as rewarding as they come. I am so grateful that I get to go outside each day and teach kids in my community about nature. I get to teach them plant identification and animal adaptations, but most importantly I get them to make connections. They are out there building relationships with their local plant and animal communities and tightening the tether that binds them to their fragile curiousity and wonderment.
I know that my job matters. It counts regardless of whether or not other people find it worthwhile. It counts to me, and I know it counts to the Lord. I know that among my greatest calllings while here on Earth is the call to bring His people to the earth and help them connect with Mother Nature. It feels wonderful to know I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Now that you've read this, please, go outside!
Monday, July 16, 2012
Reading and Writing
Or writing and reading, however you like. I just love to write and read. Someone gave me a compliment on my blog writing today, which of course made my head swell to unecessary size. I responded, egotistically, by comparing myself to Albus Dumbledore and his wonderful pensieve. I told her that I felt like this blog was a form of a pensieve for me, I could unload my thoughts into it and release them into the great abyss, free of their burdens but not relinquishing them completely. I can always go back and read my own blog and remember what my memories are.
I wish I were an even better writer than I am. I guess it's a good thing that I'm keeping up with it and practicing then, eh?
Richard Louv, a wonderful author, has written several books, two of which I recommend to all of you now. The first is Last Child in the Woods, and the second is The Nature Principle. His writing is clear and engaging with just the right mix of science and story-telling. If you have children, grandchildren, neices or nephews, friends with children, are planning to have children, or even just know a child, you should read Last Child in the Woods. It is a thoughtful discussion of the many obstacles preventing modern children from connecting with nature, the problems they face because they are not connecting with nature and how to help remedy the situation. The Nature Principle is along a similar vein, but has a broader view, discussing adults and communities as well.
These books help to take the feelings that many of us are experiencing, validate them, assign terminology to them (so we can discuss them), and start us on the road to combatting problems such as nature-deficit disorder. I also love that Louv uses lots of evidence and several examples to back up his arguments. It helps me to be able to back up what I'm saying when I get in a discussion with someone and they don't want to trust what I'm saying.
So folks, when you finish your current read, pick up one of these awesome books, I really don't think you'll regret it. But, you don't have to take my word for it, check these books and more out your local library and see for yourself!
I wish I were an even better writer than I am. I guess it's a good thing that I'm keeping up with it and practicing then, eh?
Richard Louv, a wonderful author, has written several books, two of which I recommend to all of you now. The first is Last Child in the Woods, and the second is The Nature Principle. His writing is clear and engaging with just the right mix of science and story-telling. If you have children, grandchildren, neices or nephews, friends with children, are planning to have children, or even just know a child, you should read Last Child in the Woods. It is a thoughtful discussion of the many obstacles preventing modern children from connecting with nature, the problems they face because they are not connecting with nature and how to help remedy the situation. The Nature Principle is along a similar vein, but has a broader view, discussing adults and communities as well.
These books help to take the feelings that many of us are experiencing, validate them, assign terminology to them (so we can discuss them), and start us on the road to combatting problems such as nature-deficit disorder. I also love that Louv uses lots of evidence and several examples to back up his arguments. It helps me to be able to back up what I'm saying when I get in a discussion with someone and they don't want to trust what I'm saying.
So folks, when you finish your current read, pick up one of these awesome books, I really don't think you'll regret it. But, you don't have to take my word for it, check these books and more out your local library and see for yourself!
Saturday, July 14, 2012
An Unrelenting Case of Baby Fever
*Disclaimer*
This post is all about babies, how bad I want one, and my jealousy of people who have or are about to have one. If you are one of those people, please don't be offended--I love you and your babies.
I've always been a good babysitter. Folks from church trusted me with their children from the time I was 12 onward. Caring for kiddos came fairly naturally to me, I consider myself a very nurturing person, I'm fantastic in an emergency, and kids just generally like me. So I babysat.
Right around the time I turned 18, something changed. It literally felt like some sort of biological clock inside me switched on and started ticking. It was the mommy clock. To be honest, I don't know what caused it. My best guess is that it had something to do with being in a relationship with the man I knew I was going to marry. Who really knows? Anyways, the point is, my mommy clock has been ticking for five years now, non-stop. Obviously having a baby right then and there was not in my plan (I'm one of those people, I always like to have a plan). So I continued on with my plan, I went to school, got my degree, set out to save the planet, got a dog, got married, etc.
Having a baby is in my plan; heck, having three babies is in my plan! But other parts of my plan need to happen first. Before we have a baby, one of us (ahem, Ricky) needs to have a full-time, seemingly secure career. If I got pregnant right now it would be bad news. We'd probably have to move back in with one of my parents because we're poor grad students. We certainly don't have the money that we would need to support another human because we barely have the money to support ourselves.
The second thing that needs to happen is home ownership. I really want to be in a house with a yard that we don't have to share with anyone. I want to paint the walls whatever color I want and not have to worry about disturbing anyone else with my barking canine. I know that people have babies all the time in tiny little apartments and other rented spaces. Hoorah for you! That's just not what I want to do. I know for a fact (and those of you that have visited our apartment will agree with me) that I am going to be way into nesting when I'm pregnant. The thought of preparing a space for my small human and then having to leave and redo it 6 months later makes me shudder. I know that some of you that are reading this are doing exactly that and I think that you are strong and brave, or maybe what matters to me doesn't matter to you. But, like I just said, it matters to me. And, to link the aforementioned criteria with this one, I would really love to have the money to be in a comfortable space and buy cute baby things and organic toys and stuff.
The third thing that needs to happen is travel. I will not compromise on this. I believe very strongly in the importance of having experiences and making memories with your spouse (lots of them) that don't involve children. I think that the best husband-wife teams really put in the time with one another to establish a healthy and strong family with just the two of them before bringing in an unknown (what your baby will be like really is an unknown). So Ricky and I are constantly reminding ourselves to cherish this time that we have just us--even though it sometimes sucks being students, working crappy jobs, and being dirt poor. I know we will look back on this time with some fondness, and I really know that it has forced us to really work together and trust one another. However, we want some awesome fun memories all to ourselves as well, which is why we want to do some traveling before making baby Holton. So, this December we are going to Hawaii. Next year, if all goes according to plan (there's that plan again) Ricky will have a career and be making the big bucks. After a couple of substantial payments on our student loans, we want to take a trip to the other side of the world. We want to fly to Paris, hang about for a bit, train to Italy for a while, and then fly to India for the last leg of our journey. I am so jazzed about this idea I can hardly wait, but it's obviously a journey we wouldn't want to make with an infant or toddler, or even kindergartener.
So that's my plan. If all goes according to plan we could start trying to create a wee small bundle by next Christmasish time. The thing that makes it very difficult to stick to my plan, that makes me bitter and weepy, is all of you people with your babies and your pregnancies, which lead to more babies.
Now, I'm not trying to be insensitive. Some of you have had far more than your fair share of trouble trying to concieve and get a baby actually here. I hope and pray all of the time that that doesn't happen to us. Some of you may be thinking that I am only 23 and I have lots of time, and you might be much older and still not have a baby either. Well, to that I say that I am grateful not to be the only one in the childless club, and that everyone has their own plan. Some of my friends my age quit school and had a baby shortly after marriage. Some of them are just as poor as us and still making it work. Some of my friends are older and more ambitious than I am, they are getting PhDs and are already world travellers. To all of these friends, you are great and I admire you for choosing the path that you did and for doing what feels right for you. But, I know some of you know how this feels, it feels like nearly everyone I know is pregnant or just had a baby. I personally know four people who had a baby this past month and I know three more that are pregnant. I am so jealous.
I know that, if I really wanted to, I could throw my plan out the window and have a baby right now, but I can't. Or won't. It's just that that internal ticking is starting to get really fed up with my plan. It's just a big mess of feelings that I'm trying to deal with. I feel like I'm even being a lame friend because I haven't been as congratualtory as I should be to my friends who have had babies or who have announced pregnancies. I'm sorry for that, I really am just jealous and feeling sorry for myself.
So there's that. I want a baby but I want everything a certain way. I know that starting a family is messy and things generally don't go as planned, but can you really blame me for at least trying to make things perfect (in my eyes)? So I'll wait, but I'm not super happy about it.
This post is all about babies, how bad I want one, and my jealousy of people who have or are about to have one. If you are one of those people, please don't be offended--I love you and your babies.
I've always been a good babysitter. Folks from church trusted me with their children from the time I was 12 onward. Caring for kiddos came fairly naturally to me, I consider myself a very nurturing person, I'm fantastic in an emergency, and kids just generally like me. So I babysat.
Right around the time I turned 18, something changed. It literally felt like some sort of biological clock inside me switched on and started ticking. It was the mommy clock. To be honest, I don't know what caused it. My best guess is that it had something to do with being in a relationship with the man I knew I was going to marry. Who really knows? Anyways, the point is, my mommy clock has been ticking for five years now, non-stop. Obviously having a baby right then and there was not in my plan (I'm one of those people, I always like to have a plan). So I continued on with my plan, I went to school, got my degree, set out to save the planet, got a dog, got married, etc.
Having a baby is in my plan; heck, having three babies is in my plan! But other parts of my plan need to happen first. Before we have a baby, one of us (ahem, Ricky) needs to have a full-time, seemingly secure career. If I got pregnant right now it would be bad news. We'd probably have to move back in with one of my parents because we're poor grad students. We certainly don't have the money that we would need to support another human because we barely have the money to support ourselves.
The second thing that needs to happen is home ownership. I really want to be in a house with a yard that we don't have to share with anyone. I want to paint the walls whatever color I want and not have to worry about disturbing anyone else with my barking canine. I know that people have babies all the time in tiny little apartments and other rented spaces. Hoorah for you! That's just not what I want to do. I know for a fact (and those of you that have visited our apartment will agree with me) that I am going to be way into nesting when I'm pregnant. The thought of preparing a space for my small human and then having to leave and redo it 6 months later makes me shudder. I know that some of you that are reading this are doing exactly that and I think that you are strong and brave, or maybe what matters to me doesn't matter to you. But, like I just said, it matters to me. And, to link the aforementioned criteria with this one, I would really love to have the money to be in a comfortable space and buy cute baby things and organic toys and stuff.
The third thing that needs to happen is travel. I will not compromise on this. I believe very strongly in the importance of having experiences and making memories with your spouse (lots of them) that don't involve children. I think that the best husband-wife teams really put in the time with one another to establish a healthy and strong family with just the two of them before bringing in an unknown (what your baby will be like really is an unknown). So Ricky and I are constantly reminding ourselves to cherish this time that we have just us--even though it sometimes sucks being students, working crappy jobs, and being dirt poor. I know we will look back on this time with some fondness, and I really know that it has forced us to really work together and trust one another. However, we want some awesome fun memories all to ourselves as well, which is why we want to do some traveling before making baby Holton. So, this December we are going to Hawaii. Next year, if all goes according to plan (there's that plan again) Ricky will have a career and be making the big bucks. After a couple of substantial payments on our student loans, we want to take a trip to the other side of the world. We want to fly to Paris, hang about for a bit, train to Italy for a while, and then fly to India for the last leg of our journey. I am so jazzed about this idea I can hardly wait, but it's obviously a journey we wouldn't want to make with an infant or toddler, or even kindergartener.
So that's my plan. If all goes according to plan we could start trying to create a wee small bundle by next Christmasish time. The thing that makes it very difficult to stick to my plan, that makes me bitter and weepy, is all of you people with your babies and your pregnancies, which lead to more babies.
Now, I'm not trying to be insensitive. Some of you have had far more than your fair share of trouble trying to concieve and get a baby actually here. I hope and pray all of the time that that doesn't happen to us. Some of you may be thinking that I am only 23 and I have lots of time, and you might be much older and still not have a baby either. Well, to that I say that I am grateful not to be the only one in the childless club, and that everyone has their own plan. Some of my friends my age quit school and had a baby shortly after marriage. Some of them are just as poor as us and still making it work. Some of my friends are older and more ambitious than I am, they are getting PhDs and are already world travellers. To all of these friends, you are great and I admire you for choosing the path that you did and for doing what feels right for you. But, I know some of you know how this feels, it feels like nearly everyone I know is pregnant or just had a baby. I personally know four people who had a baby this past month and I know three more that are pregnant. I am so jealous.
I know that, if I really wanted to, I could throw my plan out the window and have a baby right now, but I can't. Or won't. It's just that that internal ticking is starting to get really fed up with my plan. It's just a big mess of feelings that I'm trying to deal with. I feel like I'm even being a lame friend because I haven't been as congratualtory as I should be to my friends who have had babies or who have announced pregnancies. I'm sorry for that, I really am just jealous and feeling sorry for myself.
So there's that. I want a baby but I want everything a certain way. I know that starting a family is messy and things generally don't go as planned, but can you really blame me for at least trying to make things perfect (in my eyes)? So I'll wait, but I'm not super happy about it.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Really Gross Awful Nasty Strep
Yeah, so I have strep throat. I used to get strep throat all of the time in high school but after getting my tonsils removed when I was 16 I haven't had a problem, until now. I remember strep throat being painful, but certainly not this painful. I guess it was, I guess I was in pretty bad shape when my tonsils were touching one another, but I must have forgotten how bad it was.
Wednesday night I had a fever of 103 degrees. My poor husband was very worried about me. I was feeling so weak and delerious that I couldn't get out of bed and had to be spoonfed applesauce. Ricky gave me a blessing to feel better soon and to know whether or not I should call in sick to work the next day and if I should go to the doctor. I generally avoid going to the doctor for colds and flus and just try to ride them out. I did not go to work yesterday. Once my fever was down and I could crawl out of bed I made my way to the bathroom mirror with a flashlight. When I saw the bloody scratches and white spots I had a feeling it was probably strep.
I was right, good thing I went to the doctor. The doctor recoiled when she saw my throat and then gave me some penicillin and hydrocodone for the pain. I'm starting to feel better, but between the high fever and then the hydrocodone I've been feeling fairly nauseated as well. Ah well, hopefully by Sunday I'll be as good as new. I do feel bad for my campers this week though. I know they will have missed me, I had such a wonderful group of kiddos and we were having so much fun together. On the other hand, I'm sure one of them probably gave me the strep, so poop on that one.
Through all of this I have been so grateful to Ricky. When I had that high fever he checked on me every hour throughout the night, taking my temperature, running to the store to get saltines, etc. My mother warned him that I was sickly before we got married but he said he didn't care. What a good man I have.
So blogger friends, write me comments, write on your own blogs, send me links to cheery things. I need entertaining! I'd say you should call me, but my voice doesn't work well at the moment. Anyway, give me a shout out, I'm tired of just sleeping.
Wednesday night I had a fever of 103 degrees. My poor husband was very worried about me. I was feeling so weak and delerious that I couldn't get out of bed and had to be spoonfed applesauce. Ricky gave me a blessing to feel better soon and to know whether or not I should call in sick to work the next day and if I should go to the doctor. I generally avoid going to the doctor for colds and flus and just try to ride them out. I did not go to work yesterday. Once my fever was down and I could crawl out of bed I made my way to the bathroom mirror with a flashlight. When I saw the bloody scratches and white spots I had a feeling it was probably strep.
I was right, good thing I went to the doctor. The doctor recoiled when she saw my throat and then gave me some penicillin and hydrocodone for the pain. I'm starting to feel better, but between the high fever and then the hydrocodone I've been feeling fairly nauseated as well. Ah well, hopefully by Sunday I'll be as good as new. I do feel bad for my campers this week though. I know they will have missed me, I had such a wonderful group of kiddos and we were having so much fun together. On the other hand, I'm sure one of them probably gave me the strep, so poop on that one.
Through all of this I have been so grateful to Ricky. When I had that high fever he checked on me every hour throughout the night, taking my temperature, running to the store to get saltines, etc. My mother warned him that I was sickly before we got married but he said he didn't care. What a good man I have.
So blogger friends, write me comments, write on your own blogs, send me links to cheery things. I need entertaining! I'd say you should call me, but my voice doesn't work well at the moment. Anyway, give me a shout out, I'm tired of just sleeping.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Modesty Police
I am beyond sick of the modesty policing that is happening, especially in the LDS community.
My 16 year old sister came to stay with me this week. We had a great time. On one of our hikes she told me about an experience she has at stake dance she went to on her birthday last month. The dance was on her birthday and she went with one of her close friends, hoping to have a great time. Ironically, she wore a dress that I bought for her. It was this completely cute vintage dress, floral print, boning, mid-calf length and strapless. She wore a wide-strapped tanktop under it and also wore a lace shrug over it, since tank-tops aren't allowed.
I saw photos of her before she went to the dance and she looked lovely and modest. She told me that when she arrived a male chaperone told her that her outfit was immodest because the lace shrug was see-through. She would either have to sift through a bag of extra clothes they had provided and fix the problem or go home. Fortunately she found a white shrug that wasn't hideous and wore it. Later on a female chaperone came by inspecting people and told her that she would need to make sure that her tank top was pulled up or she would have to wear this atrocious insert that went in the front of her shirt to make it more modest. She said she would moniter her shirt situation and would in no universe wear that insert. She ended up having a good time at the dance but was really unhappy with the modesty police.
My sister also told me about how at girl's camp this year and recently at church activities, leaders keep harping on them about being modest because they don't want to cause the young men to think impure thoughts.
I went on a long, feminist rant at that point and told her to ignore them all and tell them where to stuff it.
This whole thing is absurd on SO many levels I couldn't write them all down if I sat here all day. I am so tired of being told that I can't wear whatever feels comfortable for me. Women should be able to wear whatever they think is comfortable and that's that. If I see one more thing like this:
My 16 year old sister came to stay with me this week. We had a great time. On one of our hikes she told me about an experience she has at stake dance she went to on her birthday last month. The dance was on her birthday and she went with one of her close friends, hoping to have a great time. Ironically, she wore a dress that I bought for her. It was this completely cute vintage dress, floral print, boning, mid-calf length and strapless. She wore a wide-strapped tanktop under it and also wore a lace shrug over it, since tank-tops aren't allowed.
I saw photos of her before she went to the dance and she looked lovely and modest. She told me that when she arrived a male chaperone told her that her outfit was immodest because the lace shrug was see-through. She would either have to sift through a bag of extra clothes they had provided and fix the problem or go home. Fortunately she found a white shrug that wasn't hideous and wore it. Later on a female chaperone came by inspecting people and told her that she would need to make sure that her tank top was pulled up or she would have to wear this atrocious insert that went in the front of her shirt to make it more modest. She said she would moniter her shirt situation and would in no universe wear that insert. She ended up having a good time at the dance but was really unhappy with the modesty police.
My sister also told me about how at girl's camp this year and recently at church activities, leaders keep harping on them about being modest because they don't want to cause the young men to think impure thoughts.
I went on a long, feminist rant at that point and told her to ignore them all and tell them where to stuff it.
This whole thing is absurd on SO many levels I couldn't write them all down if I sat here all day. I am so tired of being told that I can't wear whatever feels comfortable for me. Women should be able to wear whatever they think is comfortable and that's that. If I see one more thing like this:
I'm going to flip. I'm especially disappointed that it is mainly women that are circulating things like this. First of all, who is setting these universal standards of modesty? Fire them! Do they seriously think that shorts that sit two inches above the knees are immodest? Or that a tank top is soooo revealing? I swear these standard setters would rather we all die of heat stroke than have a male notice that we have knees AND shoulders. Fire these people. If I want to wear a tank-top I bloody well will.
Second of all, things like the above are awful. Why would anyone intentionally try to diminish a woman's self-worth because of what they are wearing? This e-card is essentially saying that women who dress "immodestly" are only worth as much as manure. Is that the message we want to send to our young women? That their worth is decided by what they wear? I don't think so.
On the flip side, are men that pay attention to an "immodestly" dressed woman all pigs now? Isn't it possible that aside from her attire, they may think that woman is intelligent, funny, or sweet? Shouldn't we give men a bit more credit? This e-card, along with the "lessons" my sister is hearing at church activites are almost as offensive to men as they are to women. Women are not responsible for men's thoughts. Men are responsible for their own thoughts and more importantly, their actions. Heaven knows that women's bodies are generally more attractive than the hairy, often curveless figure of a man. I really don't think that women should be punished for that. It's just bodies! We all have them.
So people out there, stop telling women that they are walking pornography. Don't tell my little sisters that their worth is determined by their outfit choice. Focus on things that actually matter, like feeding and clothing the hungry and homeless, or doing habitat restoration, or working on not judging others.
Uncertain Times
I slept in until 1pm today, a thing I have not done for months. On the whole I usually get up early for work most days and wake up at least by 9-10 on Saturdays out of habit. Unfortunately, late last night I had a bit of a meltdown. Our life together has never been so uncertain. We've had uncertainties before that have caused a great deal of stress in our lives but we are walking blindly forward now, hoping our path will be layed out before us and fearing we might step right off of a cliff.
Here are the things we do know. Both of our current jobs are ending at the end of August. Ricky is graduating in December. Our landlords are expecting us to move out in December. Our bank account is running on fumes.
One lesson I've learned this summer is that seasonal work at a non-profit may be emotionally rewarding and fun, but it sure as heck doesn't pay well. I was hired to work 40 hrs/week from June 3rd-August 31st. So far I've only been allowed to work one 40 hr. week, three 30 hr. weeks, and was only allowed to work 8 hours last week. The rest of the summer looks like I will have (hopefully) 5-6 40 hr. weeks and 1-2 30 hr. weeks. I've spent several hours working at home, not getting paid because there just isn't enough time to get everything done. My coworkers and I are all really upset that the people in charge planned so poorly and weren't upfront with us when we were hired.
Needless to say, the funding we thought we were going to have this summer isn't there. Since our rent payment on our tiny 1-bedroom apartment is more than most of our friends' mortgages and our car insurance is through the roof (we live in an accident-prone city), we are having to try to find additional work to do on top of our already super busy schedules. But nobody is hiring. Especially for people that are only available after 6pm Monday-Friday and on Saturdays.
If we can make it work until the end of September we might be okay. Ricky might get a teaching position for fall term, which would be awesome, but we don't know if he will. If worst comes to worst we can always take out student loans, but we don't want to. Ricky has a real career job pending in Eugene that would start in January. Things are looking good on that front and we are very optimistic, but again, nothing is certain. Things keep working out for us in mysterious ways, it's quite uncanny really. Maybe we can just eat our faith and pay our rent with babysitting until another miracle is sent down.
Donations to the Ricky and Lauren fund are now being accepted.
Just kidding.
Sort of.
Here are the things we do know. Both of our current jobs are ending at the end of August. Ricky is graduating in December. Our landlords are expecting us to move out in December. Our bank account is running on fumes.
One lesson I've learned this summer is that seasonal work at a non-profit may be emotionally rewarding and fun, but it sure as heck doesn't pay well. I was hired to work 40 hrs/week from June 3rd-August 31st. So far I've only been allowed to work one 40 hr. week, three 30 hr. weeks, and was only allowed to work 8 hours last week. The rest of the summer looks like I will have (hopefully) 5-6 40 hr. weeks and 1-2 30 hr. weeks. I've spent several hours working at home, not getting paid because there just isn't enough time to get everything done. My coworkers and I are all really upset that the people in charge planned so poorly and weren't upfront with us when we were hired.
Needless to say, the funding we thought we were going to have this summer isn't there. Since our rent payment on our tiny 1-bedroom apartment is more than most of our friends' mortgages and our car insurance is through the roof (we live in an accident-prone city), we are having to try to find additional work to do on top of our already super busy schedules. But nobody is hiring. Especially for people that are only available after 6pm Monday-Friday and on Saturdays.
If we can make it work until the end of September we might be okay. Ricky might get a teaching position for fall term, which would be awesome, but we don't know if he will. If worst comes to worst we can always take out student loans, but we don't want to. Ricky has a real career job pending in Eugene that would start in January. Things are looking good on that front and we are very optimistic, but again, nothing is certain. Things keep working out for us in mysterious ways, it's quite uncanny really. Maybe we can just eat our faith and pay our rent with babysitting until another miracle is sent down.
Donations to the Ricky and Lauren fund are now being accepted.
Just kidding.
Sort of.
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