Feeling Sorry for Myself

Somehow I thought that once we made it to Eugene everything would be great and nearly perfect. I thought we would see an immediate end to being so completely poor. I thought we'd be snug as bugs in our new little house full of furniture and decorations.

False.

I could not have been more wrong. My current attitude is admittedly sour, my demeanor resolutely dour. I am so glad we went on our trip to Hawaii, I would make the same decision again. Really as far as tropical, foreign-feeling vacations go it wasn't really that expensive. However, when you go on a graduate school budget it can really break the bank.

As it turns out, we are going to be really super poor for another three months or so. Luckily, thanks to generous Christmas donations from family members, we were able to buy a bed. Whew. So we have a bed, a couch, and a kitchen table. We don't have a microwave, a dresser, nightstands, a coffee table, tv stand, desk, etc. The list goes on and on. I know that I should be focusing on what we do have and I should be grateful that Ricky has a job. I am but I'm having a hard time.

Ricky starts work on Wednesday and will be busy learning how to do his new job. I'll be sitting at home in this lonely, empty house with nothing to do. Yes I can take Lucy on a walk or to the park. We have cable but there is never anything on. I'm looking for a job but I can't find one. We are too poor to join a gym, so I can't swim. We are too poor for me to take a ceramics class. It's the dead of winter so outdoor activities aren't at their most appealing.

What do I do? Stop feeling sorry for myself and pretend like the next three months are going to be great? I will sure try. When we moved to Seattle I was really lonely and depressed. I had our tiny apartment furnished and decorated within about three weeks though, so at least our home felt really cozy and friendly. I struggle with how much I am affected by my environment. I fear that the barrenness of this house will be a constant reminder of my lonliness and my struggle to adjust.

I know we will be fine, we'll make it, we'll look back on this with fondness, bleh, bleh, bleh. Sometimes I just want to feel how I feel without anyone telling me why I should feel differently. It's all a process. A crappy process.

Where are You Christmas?

Well friends, I've had a really tough time getting into the Christmas spirit this year. First it was my 3-week cold that had me down, then it was all of the effort I had to put into the move from Seattle to Eugene. I thought for sure I'd feel Christmasy once we made it to Eugene but we were only here for 3 days before heading to Hawaii and Christmas just doesn't happen in July. In Hawaii there was Christmas musc playing on the radio and trees decorated with bells and baubles but it all felt really fake because of the 75 degree weather, the sunshine, and palms. I had an amazing time in Hawaii but I was too busy relaxing and enjoying my mid-winter's summer to think about Christmas.

Now that it is Christmas Eve, I wish I could say I was feeling that Christmas joy. Instead I've been filled with extreme worry and stress. One of my very closest friends, Motion deSmiths, has been in labor with her first child since Friday morning. She planned to have a home-birth with a midwife, and while she labored at home until late last night, they finally decided to go to the hospital. I couldn't think about anything but her and the baby in church yesterday and have been frought with worry. I've been getting occasional updates from the dad but they are much too few and far between.

We are supposed to leave to head up to Salem in an hour and a half but I don't know that I can go until I get confirmation that mom and baby are healthy and no longer attached to one another.

To tell you the truth, the birth of this little boy has been consuming my thoughts much more than the birth of our Savior. I know that Jesus is safe and happy, now I want my friend to be safe and healthy with her child too. There are many people sending up prayers for this little family right now, please add yours to the mix if you can.

Merry Christmas Eve.

Oahu Day Six

Today was our last day here on Oahu and needless to say, I am sad to leave. We made the very most of our last day on the island and had a grand time. We headed up to the north shore of the island in the morning to pick up some last minute souveniers in Hale'iwa. We stopped along the way to see the sea turtles one last time. There weren't any on shore but a few of them waved at us from the shallow water.

Next we made our way to Shark's Cove for another snorkeling adventure. I actually liked Shark's Cove a lot better than Hanauma Bay. It was a little bit deeper with more small sandy patches so you felt less like you were going to beach yourself or get stabbed by coral. We saw some really awesome fish that we didn't see at Hanauma, including some big trumpet fish, a spotted toby, a moorish idol, and a blue-spine unicorn fish. I'm so glad we snorkeled again, it was one of my favorite things of the week.

We stopped to feed our famished bodies at Ted's Bakery again. We ladies had pulled pork sandwiches and the gentlemen ate mahi mahi sandwiches (these were apparently delicious but we took their word for it).

As soon as we returned to our little house we headed out for another lengthy bout of sunning our pale selves on the beach. I think we all needed that sun and relaxation and I really feel as if I've been recharged by it all.

Our alarm is set for 4:45 am Hawaii time. We do not want to get on the plane. Boo. I am really going to miss our breezy room with windows on three walls. I'm going to miss falling asleep to the sounds of the ocean and the palms swaying. I will miss waking up gradually as the sun rises slowly through our windows. Ah well, we will return someday. At least I get to take my tan with me. ;)

Oahu Day Five

Alright readers, get ready for a really short post about my day. I lounged on the beach outside our house ALL day. Really. I occasionally went in the house for food or water but otherwise lounged on the beach reading, snoozing, or talking to Emily. I took small, "walk down the beach" breaks to look for beach glass and seashells and took the occasional dip in the ocean but other than that all I did was lie there and sun myself. It was glorious.

Oahu Day Four

Our gecko friend greeted me again this morning on the hallway floor. I discovered that she is living in the linen closet on the floor; at least, that is where she always goes to hide. It's like having a substitute for Lucy, only not so cute or cuddly or big. I sure do miss my big brown dog and, although I will be so sad to leave Hawaii, I can't wait to pick her up on Saturday.

We awoke at the crack of dawn this morning. It was our first time setting an alarm to get up in the morning since we've been here--I've been waking up automatically between 7:30 and 8:30. We woke up early so we could go to see Pearl Harbor before it grew too crowded. Upon arrival we first toured the two little museums they had. Out of all of the historical happenings in this world my knowledge of WWII is probably the strongest of anything but I still learned some new and interesting details. At 9:00 we boarded the little boat that drove us out to the USS Arizona Memorial. Being there was a solemn and sad experience, despite the lovliness of the weather and the rainbow arching over us. I stood looking over the railing at the coral-covered remnants of the ship and thought about the lives lost in the attack on Pearl Harbor. I also thought about all of the people that have died in various tradgedies around the world that don't get the same honor that Pearl Harbor's victims do. I felt sad for the victims of starvation, sex trafficking, and mass disease outbreaks. I mourned the native peoples around the world that have been killed or kicked off of their land by colonizing countries. I felt sad for the kids that were killed in Sandy Brook Elementary. I'm glad we visited the memorial despite all of the saddness.

 

After we were deposited back onto shore by our naval guides we decided to shift the tone of the day by  going to the "swap meet." This so-called swap meet was in fact a ginormous group of tented awnings whose venders sold every Hawaiian knick-knack the heart could want. We perused them all and bought very little but it was definitely interesting to see.

The best part of the day for me was our snorkeling trip to Hanauma Bay. The mask and snorkel took a little bit to get used to but once I got the hang of things I cruised along quite nicely. The water was really shallow, at times too shallow. I kept feeling like I was going to beach myself on top of the coral. I cut my hand pretty badly on the coral within 5 minutes of getting in the water but the lifegaurd gave me a bandaid and I waded back into the water. 

It was awesome being SO close to fish that I love. I could have reached out and touched some of them if I wanted (but of course I would never do something so rude). Nearly all of the fish were the same types as my tropical fishy friends from the aquarium so I was able to identify almost all of them in my head. We saw tons of tangs such as convict tangs, orange-shoulder tangs, lavender tangs, sailfin tangs, and orange-spine tangs, butterfly fish, wrasses, and a super cute wedge-tail triggerfish. I loved it. I was nerding out left and right and feeling really cool for knowing what types of fish I was seeing. 

We made dinner at our beachy house and lounged around reading for the rest of the evening. We are hoping for some serious sunshine action tomorrow for a lazy, beachy day here at Ewa Beach.

Oahu Day Three

This morning a tiny gecko greeted me in our bathroom. It was so cute, just hanging out near our toothbrushes, about the length of a playing card. 

We drove to the south-east side of the island this morning and went on a spectacular hike at Maunawili Falls. I have never been surrounded by such beautiful scenery. There were vines wrapping around the trees and hanging down from amongst the branches. I kept expecting monkeys or sloths to come climbing down to greet me. The bird sounds were unreal; I wish I had a tape recorder so that I could take those sounds home. I was bringing up the rear of the pack for most of the hike because I kept stopping to stand in awe at my surroundings.

Our pathway climbed up and then down and crossed a creek multiple times. At the top of the bluff we were rewarded with a beautiful view of the green, sculpted mountains around us. I could have sat there forever, looking at the view. Ricky really wanted to see a dinosaur come out of the mist but we had no such luck.

Our hike led us to a lovely little waterfall that trickled down to fill a fresh-water pool. Ricky and Chris had a blast jumping off of the rocks into the pool, which freaked me out. I was happy to see Ricky having so much fun though. I waded into the pool and swam around a bit and, after much coaxing from Ricky, allowed the tiny fish to nibble at my toes. Apparently in some countries people pay a lot of money for such services. :) Swimming in a hidden, waterfall-fed pool in a tropical jungle was on my bucket list so I was pleased to have that opportunity in such a gorgeous place.

Our plan had been to snorkel at Hanama Bay after lunch today but when we drove there we found out that it is closed on Tuesdays! Boo. We'll go on a different day this week instead. We drove to a viewpoint instead and then found a beach to swim at. The waves were bigger today and it clouded over a bit toward late afternoon but we still had a salty, good time. I still can't get over the beautiful blues of the water. Everything here is so different and lovely; I continue to be enamored by the giant leaves, coconuts on the ground, and geckos in my bathroom.

Aloha for tonight my friends! Hope you're enjoying your wintery weather up north!

Oahu Day Two

Today was less stellar than yesterday, mostly because of the little tropical storm we experienced on the north shore. It's so odd having it be rainy, super windy, but oddly warm. We still managed a decent time but I want sunshine, darn it!

Ricky and I rolled out of bed and into swimsuits this morning. We walked the 30 or so steps to the beach and had a little swim, afterwhich we lounged on the beach until breakfast. I still haven't grown accustomed to all of the sounds from our house: waves, rustling palm leaves, etc. I'm used to the trains and ships by our house in Seattle.

Our first stop on the road today was a shrimp truck on the north shore (I had a hotdog). Ricky and Chris shared a couple different types of shrimp, made a mess and licked their fingers. Ricky said that it was the best shrimp he had ever eaten. :)

After lunch we spent the entire rest of the day at the Polynesian Cultural Center. We spent the afternoon wandering around and visiting the different "islands" and seeing the various ways they represented their cultures. We saw a Samoan climb to the top of a coconut tree, listened to some awesome Tongan drumming, had a few little dance lessons, and listened to a group of Aotearoans sing so beautifully that I was moved to tears.

In the evening we went to the luau. This bit was pretty cheesy; it felt about as far from authentic as could be. The pork was pretty tasty nonetheless. After dinner we hung about until it was time for the big show where all of the Pacific Island nations were represented through music and dancing. It was pretty neat to see the different types of clothing and hear about the different traditions that each nation has. The most awesome part was probably the flame throwers--totally epic. And I must say, I've never seen so many shirtless, tan, muscular, well-oiled men in all my life...merry Christmas!

Tomorrow we are hoping to snorkel at Hanama Bay and do a hike. I sure hope the weather improves because I want to see ALL of the fish.

Oahu Day One

Today I awoke to the sound of palm trees rustling in the wind, waves crashing on the shore and the curtains blowing in our breezy Hawaiian room. I woke up early on Hawaiian time, partially because I hadn't slept well and partially because of the foreign sounds. We spent a relaxing morning in our beach house inhaling the warm tropical air. After breakfast we climbed in the car, swimsuits in hand, and headed to Oahu's North Shore. I was immediately enthralled by the flora and fauna that surrounded me. I excalimed continually from the back seat, "look at that tree! Look at THAT tree! Oooo, pretty bird!" The Pacific Northwest is my home and my muse but the different plants and animals here have me enthralled.

Our first stop was brief, but completely worth it. We hopped out of the car and crossed the street onto a small beach where I had my first sea turtle encounter! This sighting was one that was on my list of must sees  for our trip and I was ecstatic to start things off with something so amazing.

After ripping myself away from the turtle we continued on to visit the temple, where I saw some seriously beautiful flowers and climbed an enormous tree. We grabbed lunch at Ted's, home of the original chocolate-haupia cream pie. With stomachs full of burgers and fries we headed to Waimea Bay for sun and swim.

It was glorious. Glorious! The sand is warm and thick; it's just the right balance between soft and coarse. We plopped our towles down on the beach and ran toward the water. I see why people call this place "Paradise." We swam and sunned and swam and sunned for several hours. I was so content and relaxed, if someone refilled my water and brought me food I could have stayed there all day. Ricky actually fell asleep with his head under his towel.

To cool off we grabbed snow cones in Hale'Iwa and perused the local shops. We ate Thai food for dinner and then made the journey back to our temporary home in Ewa Beach. We are relaxing, reclining and feeling grateful for the showers that relieved our bodies of invading sand. The air is perfectly warm and sweet. Sometimes the air is scented ever so slightly with flowers. I can't wait to fall asleep, rest, and see and do more wonderful things tomorrow. This is going to be a truly amazing week.

Seattle to Eugene

Well, the big move finally happened. Since I was super sick for over a week before the move and Ricky was doing finals, packing was really hard and really stressful. I am actually pretty surprised at how tough I was through the whole thing; I didn't actually have any meltdowns until Monday, the day before the move. I only cried twice, once when a glass Christmas ornament, made by a dear friend who lives far away, fell on the ground and shattered. The other time I cried was when Ricky told me that there wasn't going to be room for my piano in the UHaul--disappointment. Saying goodbye to the Deckers, our faux family in Seattle, was a sad, sad thing. Living essentially in the same house with another family for over a year is an intimate thing. I love those little girls upstairs and they love me, I can't wait to visit and see how they've grown.

On moving day I was running on very little sleep and was so glad that my dad was there to drive our car so I didn't have to. We traversed the pacific northwest through high winds, pouring rains, traffic, and survived an hour long wait at a dark and rainy rest stop because the keys got locked in the UHaul. We made it to Eugene 5 hours later than we had planned, brought the boxes inside, and collapsed.

Our new home doesn't quite feel like home yet. Lucy and I were here alone for two days while Ricky drove back up to Seattle to finish his last final exam. I was without a husband, car, internet, and food and was lucky to have some very sweet friends help me out until Ricky returned. With my husband home safely, masters degree secured, we have been doing all of the tedious tasks required by moving. I am so exhausted I could cry. We don't have a bed yet either, which makes recovering from illness and adjusting to this new home even more tough.

Lucy loves her new yard. She asks to go out there first thing in the morning, eats grass, barfs, eats more grass, runs around like a crazy-sauce, and then suns herself on the damp deck. I've been promising her a yard of her own for 3 years and am so happy to finally be able to follow through. She is being a real doggy dog now and I love watching her have fun.

Tomorrow afternoon we fly from Eugene to Honolulu. I really am so excited; I've been looking forward to it for many a month now. Unfortunately with all of the stress we've been going through, we haven't been able to prepare for the trip quite like I would have wanted. I am also feeling pretty upset about the shooting in Conneticut today. This is by far the worst one that's happened in years--seriously, little children? My poor over-emotional, severely sentimental heart has been aching all day for those poor children and families. The shooting in Clakamas on Tuesday was bad enough but this is truly unbelievable. Of course, the activist in me is screaming for a gun ban. I read some completely asinine comments on facebook today in reaction to the shooting. People are saying things like "the teachers should all carry guns, then things like this wouldn't happen." Really, that's your solution, MORE guns?? I'm sorry but adding more guns into the mix, putting a bunch of guns into schools is the worst idea I've ever heard. I really cannot stand those far-right second-amendment protecting people. That's the truth, I can't stand them. If this country was in my hands, manufacturing of guns would have stopped a long time ago. The only guns in this country would be possessed by military and special arms units. Hunters would have to go through a rigorous and strict process to possess a hunting rifle, to be used strictly in hunting season (even though I'm not a fan of hunting). Assault rifles would not exist. Police would not carry guns. Hand guns would also not exist. Why does anybody think they need a gun that fires off 100 shots in a minute or two? Those types of guns were made for one purpose--killing people. How many children have to die before people wake up and smell the roses? Guns are bad. Period. This is not a conversation, just a fact.

I hope that when I get on the plane tomorrow and arrive in tropical paradise that I will be able to leave these worries behind me, at least for a week.

Crooked

This past week has been a complete waste of my life. This is my last week in Seattle and I've spent it lying in bed like a reject. It all started last Monday when my neck started hurting (more than the usual amount). I thought it was just going to be one of those days where you have a kink in your neck and it gets better in a day or two. FALSE. It kept hurting and hurting and not getting better all week. I couldn't gather the energy to do much of anything--didn't swim, didn't start packing. Finally on Sunday I sucked it up and paid to get a massage. Ninety minutes later I was looking into the face of a masseuse who was telling me that I needed to go to a chiropractor. What? A Chiropractor? Surely she must be joking, chiropractors are only for people that have broken necks and stuff.

As I left the massage clinic I started getting my usual nasty menstrual cramps as well as a migraine. What the heck? So the next day, Monday, I made an appointment at Magnolia Chiropractic to see Dr. Penner. I told him I was super nervous that he was going to snap my neck and paralyze me. He promised he would definitely not let that happen. He took some x-rays of my neck for free (which was awesome) and then adjusted my neck, shoulders, and low back. The range of motion in my neck immediately improved and my pain decreased by about 50%. He told me to come back on Thursday (today) for another adjustment and to go over my x-rays. As I walked out of his office I said to Ricky "I feel like I might be coming down with something, my throat hurts." Sure enough, a couple of hours later I was down and out with a horrible nasty cold. On Tuesday I took three separate naps and only got out of bed to pee. I missed the trip to the Seattle Art Museum that Ricky had promised me. I didn't pack anything at all until yesterday and even then only packed the books.

This morning my cold moved into the gross coughing phase. My throat kills, my left eye is weepy and goopy, and both of my ears ache. I went to see Dr. Pener again anyways for my follow-up appointment. I wasn't nervous this time, so I guess that was an improvement. He did another adjustment and then had me come look at the x-rays. So, not only does my cervical spine lean to the right, the C-shape curve that a normal cervical spine should have is completely backwards on me. Not good. No wonder I complain about my neck hurting all of the time. Anyways, chiropractors are going to have to be a significant part of my life now if I don't want my spine to start deteriorating prematurely. This sucks.

Who will come and pack my life into boxes?